My last post was posted in 2020 and meant for year of 2019 stories. Then MIA.
Lots of things happened since 2019? Definetely dik. Too many things including too many lost. Maybe that were the reasons or maybe it just a plain laziness
Let's not waste time. Let's do some recaps
2020
General:
Thoughest years for everyone and worldwide. A year that no one will forget. A year where the world changed and evolved. Covid pandemic hit globally.
Covid was started in January or maybe early February 2020 where the virus spread from China to worlwide within few weeks. By end of February, Covid deaths reported globally and the numbers were very worrying. Then on March 16th, Malaysian goverments annoucing what we called PKP (Perintah Kawalan Pergerakan) or MCO in english (Movement Order Control) or also known in short as Lockdown starting from March 18th. MCO was a series of national quarantine and cordon sanitaire measures implemented by the federal government. These measures were periodically relazed and strengthened throughout the following 19 months in response to the changing epidemiology of the disease.
We had less than 2 days to prepare ourself to be fully quarantined at home. Luckily we already moved to UCC's upper floor since end of 2019 in order to take care of nenek (your maternal grandmother). In that narrow timing, Alhamdullilah I also managed to rescue 1 very timid black cat (BJ) who couldnt survived without me in just few hours before the quarantine starts. Safe to say, life changed drastically for everyone.
So, boom baam boom baam.. we lived totally an indoor life that 9 months (03/2020 - 12/2020). At the beginning, only Ayah or I (1 person at a time) were allowed to go out for groceries shopping. I cant even met Aunty (we video called often) but we found a way to smuggle makcik (our helper) to come over to help us with daily chores especially UCC chores. We had more than 50 resident cats including many new (covid caused) rescued cats to take care, together with about 20 customers cat's that stayed long term.
Nenek stays with us throughout these challenging times but unfortunately she was emotionally struggling too. Í knew that it wasnt easy for everyone as taking care of nenek was a very serious job. In additions, she broke her hips just before Covid and bed ridden since. Luckily I was blessed to have Makcik to help me with nenek. My biggest challenge was Nenek felt I prioritize you than her and you felt vise versa.
Mommy & Ayah excape covid (we had bad fever once but tested covid negative) but you and nenek were tested covid positive. Apart from fever, sore throat and lost your tasting sense, you were fine and recovered well in less than a week. Nenek conditioned was more serious and at one point she was hospitalized as her oksigen level dropped to below 90%. I was scared of losing her but alhamdullilah nenek beat Covid & death in 2020.
To made MCO worst, no celebration alllowed this year. No raya and no gathering. Luckily there were technology where we were able to connect to Ayah's family via video calls. Opah (your paternal grandmother) were forced to stay put in Perak this whole 9 months. The children couldnt visit her but Ayah always called her and his 2 other sisters to check on them. I think this is the hardest things that could happens to everyone. We cant visit elderly no matter how bad we want to.
Worldwide, more than 3 milions succumbed to Covid. We were not exceptional. we lost a few long distance relative to Covid too; among them is my BIL's (Pak Ngah) brother & Tok Abah . Eventhough it is not directly, Tok Abah's passing was suspected due to covid, As I mentioned before, it was the year where the world evolved.
You and School:
School systems was haywired. No one prepared for this. School closed and goverment starts to implement online distance learning (ODL) to students. But guess what. No one prepare for this, no one know how to do this in the beginning. Your school took about 3,4 months to establish the systems and it was almost heading to nowhere. For us a parents, this situation was very stressful, seeing you starting top lost interest in study.
By the end of 2020 we were advised by your paediatrician to transfer you to special need class in goverment school. At the same time, your current school had many management issues and there werent many ODL class as hoped. To make it worse, my financial situation were also at the worst situasion and by end of 2020, I was struggling to pay your school fee.
After a very serious thought we decided to go for it. Ayah arranged school transfer for the next year (2021). You managed to get a place in one of Sekolah Kebangsaan that has special need class. I felt sorry for you but you convinced me that you will be ok. Further, you told me that you are looking forward to make new friends.
You
and friends:
Like most of the children, your friendship were tested in this hard time.
In the beginning of MCO friendhip were ok but slowly, the calls and experience sharing started to decrease. Eventually, no more calls. Not even to your bestfriend Adan. I felt so bad but i really do not know how to help you. You looks lost and spent more time on online games. You also easily lost control and sometimes end up with yelling.
You and us:
This is the most challenging part. All of us are struggling with emotions. For you, Covid means no more physical friends and I knew that you felt very lonely where you were easily break down and felt frustrated. Screaming, yelling starting to take place. I felt very dissapointed at times but I knew it wasnt your fault. It was mine and I blame myself for not able to handle it well. I was supposed to be there to support you but I was too overwhelming with my own emotions. I am very sorry Dik. I wish I can go back to our past to correct my mistakes. I want to be a better mother than I was in those time but I failed.
To make it worse, I was too overwhelmed with my resposibilities. A daughter, a wife and a mother, a family bread winner (our business came to halt during Covid), cat owner and cat rescuer and at times, all of these were too much to handle . Now i realized that at times I let it out to you. I am truly regret the way I handle my problem, Dik. Please forgive me Dik.
Summary of 2020:
To summarize our 2020, It was not the best year to everyone in the family. Each and everyone of us struggled emotionally. I must say, I regret the way I handle things. If only there was a handbook on how to handle a child during the testing time, i will follow. Overall, thinking back, it was not all bad. Covid also tought me how to push my limit and eventhough it was very testing but i learn a lot from it. I dont have any complained except I hope I could handle our relationship better.
Today, after 4 years, the strained is still felt.. you are leading your teenage lifestyle and lots of things that I still struggle to understand. I am trying and will try harder to understand you. At the same time, I am pray that I can let go my bread winner duty in order to focus on you. Who knows kan Dik. I longed to be like any other mother and woman.. no more financial burden to think of and has more free time to do whatever I want
p/s: I think I shouldnt share your current photos in this blog anymore. To avoid embarassment. This is nothing to do with any personal revelation but this is more like a letter from a mother to her beloving son. I will also change the setting where your full name will no longer appear.
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