5 years of hiatus.. from 2020 to 2024 (Part 1)

Assalamualaikum Dik.  It has beeen years ago when I last wrote? What has happened? Only God knows.

My last post was posted in 2020 and meant for year of 2019 stories. Then MIA. 

Lots of things happened since 2019? Definetely dik. Too many things including too many lost. Maybe that were the reasons or maybe it just a plain laziness

Let's not waste time.  Let's do some recaps

2020

General:  

Thoughest years for everyone and worldwide.  A year that no one will forget.  A year where the world changed and evolved.  Covid pandemic hit globally.  

Covid was started in January or maybe early February 2020 where the virus spread from China to worlwide within few weeks.  By end of February, Covid deaths reported globally and the numbers were very worrying.  Then on March 16th, Malaysian goverments annoucing what we called PKP (Perintah Kawalan Pergerakan) or MCO in english (Movement Order Control) or also known in short as Lockdown starting from March 18th.  MCO was a series of national quarantine and cordon sanitaire measures implemented by the federal government. These measures were periodically relazed and strengthened throughout the following 19 months in response to the changing epidemiology of the disease.

We had less than 2 days to prepare ourself to be fully quarantined at home. Luckily we already moved to UCC's upper floor since end of 2019 in order to take care of nenek (your maternal grandmother).  In that narrow timing, Alhamdullilah I also managed to rescue 1 very timid black cat (BJ)  who couldnt survived without me in just few hours before the quarantine starts. Safe to say, life changed drastically for everyone. 

So, boom baam boom baam.. we lived totally an indoor life that 9 months (03/2020 - 12/2020).  At the beginning, only Ayah or I (1 person at a time) were allowed to go out for groceries shopping.  I cant even met Aunty (we video called often) but we found a way to smuggle makcik (our helper) to come over to help us with daily chores especially UCC chores.  We had more than 50 resident cats including many new (covid caused) rescued cats to take care, together with about 20 customers cat's that stayed long term. 

Nenek stays with us throughout these challenging times but unfortunately she was emotionally struggling too. Í knew that it wasnt easy for everyone as taking care of nenek was a very serious job. In additions, she broke her hips just before Covid and bed ridden since.   Luckily I was blessed to have Makcik to help me with nenek. My biggest challenge was Nenek felt I prioritize you than her and you felt vise versa. 

Mommy & Ayah excape covid (we had bad fever once but tested covid negative) but you and nenek were tested covid positive.  Apart from fever, sore throat and lost your tasting sense, you were fine and recovered well in less than a week.  Nenek conditioned was more serious and at one point she was hospitalized as her oksigen level dropped to below 90%.  I was scared of losing her but alhamdullilah nenek beat Covid & death in 2020. 

To made MCO worst, no celebration alllowed this year.  No raya and no gathering.  Luckily there were technology where we were able to connect to Ayah's family via video calls. Opah (your paternal grandmother) were forced to stay put in Perak this whole 9 months.  The children couldnt visit her but Ayah always called her and his 2 other sisters to check on them.  I think this is the hardest things that could happens to everyone.  We cant visit elderly no matter how bad we want to.

Worldwide, more than 3 milions succumbed to Covid.  We were not exceptional. we lost a few long distance relative to Covid too; among them is my BIL's (Pak Ngah) brother & Tok Abah .  Eventhough it is not directly, Tok Abah's passing was suspected due to covid,  As I mentioned before, it was the year where the world evolved.

You and School: 

School systems was haywired.  No one prepared for this.  School closed and goverment starts to implement online distance learning (ODL) to students.   But guess what.  No one prepare for this, no one know how to do this in the beginning.  Your school took about 3,4 months to establish the systems and it was almost heading to nowhere.  For us a parents, this situation was very stressful, seeing you starting top lost interest in study. 

By the end of 2020 we were advised by your paediatrician to transfer you to special need class in goverment school.  At the same time, your current school had many management issues and there werent many ODL class as hoped.  To make it worse, my financial situation were also at the worst situasion and by end of 2020, I was struggling to pay your school fee. 

After a very serious thought we decided to go for it.  Ayah arranged school transfer for the next year (2021). You managed to get a place in one of Sekolah Kebangsaan that has special need class.  I felt sorry for you but you convinced me that you will be ok.  Further, you told me that you  are looking forward to make new friends.

You and friends:

Like most of the children, your friendship were tested in this hard time.  

In the beginning  of MCO friendhip were ok but slowly, the calls and experience sharing started to decrease. Eventually, no more calls.  Not even to your bestfriend Adan. I felt so bad but i really do not know how to help you.  You looks lost and spent more time on online games.  You also easily lost control and sometimes end up with yelling.

You and us:

This is the most challenging part.  All of us are struggling with emotions.  For you, Covid means no more physical friends and I knew that you felt very lonely where you were easily break down and felt frustrated.  Screaming, yelling starting to take place. I felt very dissapointed at times but I knew it wasnt your fault. It was mine and I blame myself for not able to handle it well. I was supposed to be there to support you but I was too overwhelming with my own emotions.  I am very sorry Dik.  I wish I can go back to our past to correct my mistakes.  I want to be a better mother than I was in those time but I failed.

To make it worse, I was too overwhelmed with my resposibilities.  A daughter, a wife and a mother, a family bread winner (our business came to halt during Covid), cat owner and cat rescuer and at times, all of these were too much to handle .  Now i realized that at times I let it out to you. I am truly regret the way I handle my problem, Dik.  Please forgive me Dik.

Summary of 2020:

To summarize our 2020,   It was not the best year to everyone in the family.   Each and everyone of us struggled emotionally. I must say, I regret the way I handle things.  If only there was a handbook on how to handle a child during the testing time, i will follow.  Overall, thinking back, it was not all bad. Covid also tought me how to push my limit and eventhough it was very testing but i learn a lot from it.  I dont have any complained except I hope I could handle our relationship better.

Today, after 4 years, the strained is still felt.. you are leading your teenage lifestyle and lots of things that I still struggle to understand. I am trying and will try harder to understand you.  At the same time, I am pray that I can let go my bread winner duty in order to focus on you.  Who knows kan Dik.  I longed to be like any other mother and woman.. no more financial burden to think of and has more free time to do whatever I want

p/s:  I think I shouldnt share your current photos in this blog anymore.  To avoid embarassment.  This is nothing to do with any personal revelation but this is more like a letter from a mother to her beloving son.  I will also change the setting where your full name will no longer appear.  

Another 1 missing in action year - 2019

Dik,

Assalamualaikum

Seems that I didn't able to keep my promise to write regularly.  I thought I will write to you often enough and it will pay with previous year's debt to you, but again I guess I didn't try hard enough.  I didn't feel great about it Dik.

Ok, let's not wasting time.  How much I want to say about the current 2020 situation but I can't. I must wait until I finish my 2019 stories.

How was our 2019?  In general I think 2019 was good. Some angle there are improvement, but other angle things are slightly deteriorated. Let's talk about it in details

You & School;  You are still in Lower Elementary  Class or easy to understand, you are now in Grade 3 class.  Same like last year, you are good in some subject but struggles in some.  I tried to help whenever you bring your school book home but since your school doesn't believe of homework, not much could be done except looking from outside source.  Yes we did that, yet I still feel it is not enough though but at the same time doesn't want to push you too hard.  We come from different generation and I understand that the current education doesn't works with my generation education system.  At the same time I feel that looking for alternative way to dig your life skill.  I am still searching, until the day I write this.  I know it is there, just waiting for the right time to be found.  I need to find it soon, other than that, I will lost.

You and friends: I believe you loves your friends.  As 2019, your only circles of friend is only from your school. Even though you attend some extra activity outside school but I could see that you still find it is difficult to be accepted I knew most of your close friend and seems that they came from very nice family too.  Whenever I picked you from school I could see that you mingle quite well with your school friends. But I also notice you still have some lacking in social skill.  Who doesn't  kan Dik.  This old  mother of yours had the same problem until now.  Maybe you inherited from me.  

You and us:  Family wise, the relationship is getting tougher right.  Is it the early teen thingy?  You had your own says, we had our own too.  Sometime the both parties manage to compromise with each other but some times, we struggle to understand each other.  Lots of tears and lots of frustration. But in between, lots of laughter too.  In general, I found that you are funny kid and a joker, but I guess we are not a serious type of family.  Many times, in the middle of tears we laugh together.  Many times, in the middle of scolding I couldn't pretend that I was mad anymore. 

 I guess since you were young I use a straight forward approach.  I never keep secret from you, on almost anything; let it be your spectrum or financial situation.  But actually, I didn't now whether is is a good approach or should i just trying my best to keep our family struggle and pretend that everything is alright? 

So, to wrap it, 2019 started good and end good too.  Not much travelling but I always put high hope on that.  Insyaallah one day we will cross the globe together Dik.  Only 2 of us.  Maybe Trans Siberian Train or maybe Norway by bicycle.  It is ok to dream as dream makes us move forward.  Till the next post.. please remember I love you so much. More than I love anyone else

 

 

 

Two years of Missing In Action - 2017 & 2018 (Part 2)

2017 & 2018 (Part 2)


Let talks about life. Once we aware about the ADHD, we starts to looks things from a different perspective.  Personally I feel grateful after the diagnose as I start to understand you better than before. Most importantly, now I know that helps in on the way.  It can be fixed and we can help you. In the mean time I also start to educate myself on how to understand and shape you into a normal child. May Allah guide me and guide your father to be a better parents to you Dik.
   
In my observation, life treat you fairly both in 2017 and 2018. I believe you were happy. Sometimes you hates your school day but in general, you cope quite well at school.  Sometimes you hate your routine and throw tantrums but you apologized afterwards. You are not prefect Dik but who are?  Even normal children are also struggle to be normal, so it is OK for you to struggle to be normal too.  It is a process and one day you will turn around and smile over it.  One day ADHD will just be your past.

Social skill is one of the main ADHD symptoms.  You had some problem in making new friends especially with children at your age.  Many times you were sad as sometimes your friends called you with bad nicknames or you were scolded by friends in your class. Sometimes you were crying telling me your friends hates you.  Yes, I felt very sad about it but I keep on convince you that things are getting better very soon.  Sometimes I was choked back tears when I told you that  you will be fine and you will have more friends in future.

Aside from those hiccups, you are always a happy go lucky person.  You definitely are excellent with adults and loves by many. Many of your classmates parents adore you; you're always described as sweet and helpful child. So, it is a win win situation Dik.

Whenever I went for Parents and Teacher sessions, I heard many positives words like you are very helpful student. You are also described as a approachable, hugger, smiles ready and gentleman. The not so positive things?  Lack of focused in class, talkative, playful & didn't finished given task  :).  It is OK Dik, we will tackle it one day.  I am positive about it

Ok, it is not fair to discuss your problem without discussing ours towards you. As you aware, I have lots of weakness.  I stills have to learn and improve lots of things. Learn about how to be a better mom is one of them. Things before the diagnosis is worse than the after.  I struggled to understand your behavior.  Most of the time I blame myself for not having a parental experience and lack of patience.  Usually I struggle during your morning shower time (and evening too) and whenever I had customers to attend but you keep interrupting for simple attentions. Looking back now, I feel so guilty as it didn't across my mind that you need helps.  I feel guilty that sometimes I was too busy working than to spend more time with you and try to understand you better.

After the diagnosis, I felt clearer and start to understand you better.  The doctors gave us some guides on how to help you.  Yes, some starts to works but some shall take years to see the results of it.  One of your doctors even go to extra miles to teach me everything that she knows about parenting.  I will always remember her words; to be patience with you as raising even a normal child is not easy, let alone special child like you.

The doctors also enrolled you to almost monthly therapy sessions schedule and as for today, you were enrolled to the Focus Therapy class and we have been promised to get you into social therapy group in future.  I feel positive about this but I can't do this alone .  I need you and your courage to change things

We will discussed this again in future but as for now, I should sign out.  Love you so much Dik.  I will try not to forget to tell you how much I love you on daily basis.  But if I do, please forgive me and please remember I do love you more than I love myself and others.


On the side note, less than a week ago (30th Jan 2019), you lost one of your close friend from school who passed away due to liver cancer.  You were so affected by the losses and you told me you cried when you heard the news at school.  I went to his funeral on your behalf and could see that he was loved by many.  You requested to visit his cemetery so I drove you to there after your school session. I could feel your sadness Dik.  Good friendship will stay in your hearts until you die. May Gavin will rest in peace. Amin

On the other side note, today (4th Feb 2019) is again a sad day for both of us.  We lost one of our cat, Belang due to some existing health issue.  She was loved by both of us and she will definitely be missed. 

Two years of Missing In Action - 2017 (Part 1)

31 Jan 2019

Assalamualaikum Dik,

It has been more than 2  years since I last wrote here.  Never forget about this special space for me to interact indirectly to you but I must say, it was my fault and my selfishness that carried me away.  I tried to chase the clouds until I forget to touch the grass. I tried to fix other broken things until I forgot I have another big duty, to be your full time mom.

So, I shouldn't waste my time.  I will try to cover that I miss to tell you as much as I can.


2017

We start the 2017 by enrolling you to your new primary school.  Initially you were registered in nearby government school but I was worried with minimal Islamic study and hoping to go for a better option.   After some deep considerations, we decided to enroll you into BBIM wher it offer an Islamic Montessori education system.  I must say it was a very big step for our financial situation and once we choose a private school, there will be a minimal way out.  But deep down, I believe Insyallah this is the best for you and Allah will guide me through it.  I promise to work harder in order to pay the school fee. And Alhamdullillah, once the decision made, Allah guided us.

Your school year was progressing very well.  Your school campus was in USJ21 and still waiting for the new building in Cyberjaya to complete.  Sending you off for your first primary school level was an emotional moment for me.  I still remember vividly watching you standing tall in your new class and suddenly I feel that the time flies so fast.  It made me proud and sad at the same time. I always wish my father is still around to see you especially on that day.  He is a great man and he definitely adore you Dik.

At school, you adjust well with your teacher and classmates. You have found a best friend since day 1 and her name is Qistina. Q is a special friend but unfortunately she moved back to her parents hometown by year end.  Both of you were sad with the decision but with time, it healed.  I hope you will cross path again in future.

Your class teacher is Aunty A and she is an Iranian and super nice lady.  You love her very much and she adore you too.  She shared your progresses whenever we met.  Upon many discussions that we had, Aunty A told me that you were bright but slightly lack of focused in the classroom.  Then the alarming bell start to ring as this is also same comments that I receive every year even from previous school.

Even though I realize that your behavior is slightly different to other children but I always brush it off as I thought you inherited from one of us or maybe our upbringing was wrong. Then slowly I pick up that you might has a special spectrum in you.  Trying to convince ayah was not an easy task as he refused to accept the possibilities and finally I decided to go for this alone. Alhamdullilah, ayah start to join in along the way.  We managed to see a pediatric in PPUM in January 2018 and in took about 6 months to confirm that you have ADHD syndrome. 

So, what is ADHD?

Attention deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD) is a complex neurodevelopmental disorder that can affect your child’s success at school, as well as their relationships. Common ADHD sign are:

1. Self-focused behavior - A common sign of ADHD is what looks like an inability to recognize other people’s needs and desires. This can lead to the next two signs: interrupting and trouble waiting their turn.

2. Interrupting - Self-focused behavior may cause a child with ADHD to interrupt others while they’re talking or butt into conversations or games they’re not part of.

3. Trouble waiting their turn - Kids with ADHD may have trouble waiting their turn during classroom activities or when playing games with other children

 4. Emotional turmoil - A child with ADHD may have trouble keeping their emotions in check. They may have outbursts of anger at inappropriate times. Younger children may have temper tantrums.

5. Fidgetiness - Children with ADHD often can’t sit still. They may try to get up and run around, fidget, or squirm in their chair when forced to sit.

6. Problems playing quietly - Fidgetiness can make it difficult for kids with ADHD to play quietly or engage calmly in leisure activities.

7. Unfinished tasks - A child with ADHD may show interest in lots of different things, but they may have problems finishing them. For example, they may start projects, chores, or homework, but move on to the next thing that catches their interest before finishing.

8. Lack of focus - A child with ADHD may have trouble paying attention, even when someone is speaking directly to them. They’ll say they heard you, but they won’t be able to repeat back to you what you just said.

9. Avoidance of tasks needing extended mental effort - This same lack of focus can cause a child to avoid activities that require a sustained mental effort, such as paying attention in class or doing homework.

10. Mistakes - Children with ADHD can have trouble following instructions that require planning or executing a plan. This can then lead to careless mistakes — but it doesn’t indicate laziness or a lack of intelligence.

11. Daydreaming - Children with ADHD aren’t always rambunctious and loud. Another sign of ADHD is being quieter and less involved than other kids. A child with ADHD may stare into space, daydream, and ignore what’s going on around them.

12. Trouble getting organized - A child with ADHD may have trouble keeping track of tasks and activities. This may cause problems at school, as they can find it hard to prioritize homework, school projects, and other assignments.

13. Forgetfulness - Kids with ADHD may be forgetful in daily activities. They may forget to do chores or their homework. They may also lose things often, such as toys.

14. Symptoms in multiple settings - A child with ADHD will show symptoms of the condition in more than one setting. For instance, they may show lack of focus both in school and at home.

Is the diagnose is a bad thing?  No Dik.  To me it just a name.  Yes you have almost all the symptoms and some label you as disobedient or problematic child, but they know nothing about you. People especially intermediate family members are tend to be judgemental and in years, you will learn to ignore it.  You are a gifted child and Allah will guide you along the way.  Remember that you have Allah and all you need is HIM. And you have me too and we will fight this together. I promise that no one shall hurts you as long as I am alive. I also pray Allah to grant me a long life in order for me to help you to stand on your own. I am positive that one day, you will win the battle.


I will continue the 2017 story in the next post.  Till then, I love you so much Dik.  On the side note, today we had a good time together where we managed to spend some quality time and as always, you never forget to thank me for spending time with you and also for buying you your favorite dinner - spaghetti bolognese :). Only that, not a luxury meal

The New Episode - 2016 Part 4

Mommy managed to secure a very cheap flight ticket to Kota Kinabalu for the year end trip.  This is a first time to everyone.  It was a very short trip to fulfill our hunger to travel.  Everything was on the tight budget.

We arrived at KK International airport just before midnight on Nov 28th.  Went straight to hotel with our rented car to check in and sleep.

Day 1: Kota Kinabalu Wetland

Filipino's Traditional Market

Seafood Dinner at Kampung Nelayan Seafood Restaurant

 

Day2:  Kota Kinabalu Sea life Aquarium at Universiti Malaysia Sabah

Travel to Kundasang and Check-in to BH Residence which located at 

1700m above sea level.  We could even observe the Mt Kinabalu 

from our hotel ground.  Remind me of our Switzerland trip back in 2015.. 
different mountain with similar effect; serenity.

Day 3- Desa Fairy Farm visit

 Somewhere in Kundasang town.  Cheeky smile

Poring Hot Spring,  Ranau

Day 4: A visit Kinabalu Park before heading back to KK

Then upon reaching KK, we checked into a hotel (couldn't remember name of the hotel) for a short rest before head to airport at 3 a.m to fly back to KL.  We both fall in love with Sabah and we promise to come back one day. Whether or not to climb the mountain.. times will tell.

2016 epilogue

Even though our traveling episode were less colorful compare to previous years but we enjoy both of our trips so much.  I keep my finger cross than we can afford to have more vacation in future.  Amin.

In general, even though 2016 seems to be the toughest financial year for our family, but alhamdullillah with His help, we made it.  Not as easy as it sound but Allah guide us the way.  He didn't fail us.  He will never fail us.   

The New Episode - 2016 Part 3

Part 3 section 1:) - Tokyo Japan

As I wrote in Part 1, the flight ticket to Japan already bought in previous year or during my working year. Even with small budget, we decided to proceed with the plan in May 2016 and have some fun.  Anyway,  for me travel is like a food..my survival kit. 

The trip was very good and we managed to explore many things in those 8 days . Most of the days spent in Tokyo but there are 2 days spend outside city.

 Meiji Shrine

 Yoyogi Park

A visit to Tokyo Government Tower to get the bird view of Tokyo

Asakusa Temple

Tokyo Camii & Turkish Culture Centre where we were 

given a free lunch after Friday prayer

Diver City, Odaiba Island, Tokyo

 Takeshita Street

Tokyo Tower for another Tokyo bird view

Tokyo Gyeon Garden

Before we left for Japan, I asked you to choose either you want to go to Tokyo Disneyland or to Mt Fuji.  To my surprise, you choose Mt Fuji.  Yes..that's Mommy's son.  Nature is in your blood kan Dik.  So, we took a 2 hours bus ride from Tokyo to Fuji Kawaguchiko where we could get the best view of Fuji

Mt Fuji from Fuji Kawaguchiko

 From the bus/train station we took a bus for the famous Mt Kachikachi, 

Fuji Kawaguchiko Ropeway Ride to get a better view of Mt Fuji.  

Unfortunately the weather is not on our side

We also took a Cruise across Fuji kawaguchiko Lake

Quick stop by at Healing Village as they are closing when we arrived :). 

A very nice cultural village where they have about 20 nos of traditional houses 

  We also spend another day outside the city to an island.  It took an hour journey from the city Centre to Enoshima Island. A small fisherman Island but the atmosphere is nice.  From the train station we cross sea on foot via pedestrian bridge.  We had  a simple picnic before start to explore Enoshima by foot.  It took half day to complete the whole island and it was a relaxing day for all of us.

Enoshima by foot

 Shibuya Cross

 Here and There

I think everyone enjoyed this trip and hopefully one day we will able to visit Japan again.  Maybe to another region.  An autumn trip maybe :).  I will work hard and save money for our future adventure. Till then :)

Love..